I remember it well.  The time: December 2010.  The place: My desk.

I wrote this letter to Santa referencing the above photo asking him for a new iPod.  Mine was old, out of date, and out of room for new music.  I didn’t complain, for I loved my iPod.  It went with me everywhere and jammed on the one.

But I felt I was due for an upgrade, so I asked.  We have not because we ask not, right?

Welp.

Santa left me hanging last Christmas.  I chalked it up to him being short-staffed.  Prolly laid off a few elves and, as a result, some of us fell through the cracks.

It’s cool.  I wasn’t bitter.  I just kept my lil’ iPod and kept on steppin.

Little did I know, Santa didn’t forget about me.  As I mentioned in my last post, Apple had a recall on my generation of iPods (circa 2005).  I sent mine back… and they sent me…

!!!

It got it in the mail on Tuesday.  Shout out to Apple for sending me this new Nano with no prompting and at no charge.  I am definitely a satisfied customer.

…But I know who’s really behind this.

*high fives Santa*

Ohhhh, you!

Overwhelmingly so when it comes to black women and their relationships, their appearance, or, you know, how often they breathe.

I don’t understand why we’re under such scrutiny.  In 2011, I was made aware of multiple articles and specials dissecting the many reasons that we’re all doomed to be single for the rest of our natural lives.  Allow me to outline them for you:

We’re angry.

We’re shallow.

We’re selfish.

90% of all black men are in jail.

There are only 3 “good” black men.

We go to church too much.

We’re too strong.

We don’t know how to let a man be a man.

We don’t date white men.

We’re too easy.

We go out with groups of other women.

We have annoying friends.

Our standards are too high.

Our standards are too low.

We like thugs.

We look to be rescued.

We dress too provocatively.

We work too much.

We’re lazy.

We’re ghetto.

We don’t know how to cook.

We’re fat.

We’re dark skinned.

We’re alive.

Did I miss anything?

What gets me even more is how quickly so many black women who are my friends on Facebook pass around these articles like they’re the new gospel.  As if to say, “Yeah, Y’ALL need to get your isht together.  That’s why Y’ALL ain’t married.”

O_O No, ma’am.

I wish these overly-simplistic “exposés” on the plight of the single black woman would go away and never come back.  For one thing, why are they always so accusatory?  Why don’t we talk about the many other reasons black women are single?  Maybe they haven’t found “the one” yet?  Maybe they’re divorced?  Or maybe they have no desire to get married?  Some people don’t.

I just think to say stuff like “you don’t cook, Black Woman, that’s why you’re not married,” or “you spend too much time at church, Black Woman, thus you shall be forever alone” is bullshit.

I know a GANG of married black women of a range of different ages.  I’ve worked with black (and white women, for that matter) who have been COMPLETE bitches in the workplace, but (I assume) happily married at home.  And I know women who are as nice as nice can be, yet are single as the day is long.  You ever watch “Say Yes to the Dress: Big Bliss?”  A whole show based on plus-sized women getting fitted for wedding dresses.  Because they’re getting married.

Essentially, you can’t make a list of 4-5 characteristics and then claim 80% of an entire group of women are not or will not be married because of it.

And maybe some of ‘em won’t.

People have issues.  Black, blue, green, yellow, or white.  Everybody has stuff they need to work on, talk to Jesus about, or get therapy for.  But, having issues doesn’t make you unlovable, and NOT having issues doesn’t mean you’re destined to be married.

It’s never that cut & dried.

But, if Disney has taught me anything, it’s that there’s somebody for everybody. #Princess&theFrog #Beauty&theBeast

How the heck are you people?  What’s been going on since I’ve been away?  Is Bush still in office?  Did they cancel “A Different World?”  Psonya’s son is probably in college by now, huh?  Sheesh!

So sorry to have fallen off the face of the blog-earth.  I have been crazy-busy, y’all.  CRAZY busy. And the longer you go without blogging, the easier it is to just not blog.  And the more daunting it is to start up again.  But, here I am.

I’ve gotten a LOT accomplished since my last post in May.  Let me fill you in. Grab yourself a cup of tea and an apple fritter.  This may be a long one…

For starters, I’ve turned into a running FOOL.  In May, I decided  to sign myself up for a 10K race that was coming up in July.  I figured I needed to give myself a goal to stick with my workout routine, because I’ll go hard for like a month and then completely fall off the wagon.  Well, my plan worked.  I actually ended up falling completely in love with running and I did 5 races this year:  two 5K’s, two 10K’s, and one 8K.

My Runner's World magazine pose

I’m currently trying to transition myself into winter-running.  I’ve learned that I do NOT enjoy the treadmill, so I’m going to try & keep up with my outdoor runs, at least on the weekends since it’s completely dark outside now by the time I’m out of work.  So, yes, training/running is one thing that’s been taking up my free time.

SPEAKING OF WHICH!  Do you remember ol’ boy from this post?  My CTA train booth worker slash Michael Jackson impersonator guy?  Well, I was running my 10K in July, and who do I see running the course as well?!  HIM.  As it turns out, he is INFAMOUS in Chicago races.  He’s broken records, run at LEAST 10 marathons, trains other people on running marathons, and he said he runs, at minimum, something like 50 miles per week.

I looked him up online and he is NO JOKE.  He’s now become my CTA train booth worker slash Michael Jackson impersonator slash running coach guy.  Now when we stop for our 3-minute conversation on my way to the train, he gives me running tips.  Coach Manny J.  Yes.  We were obviously meant to cross paths in life.

Okay, next up:

Movie Making!

So, I have some very talented friends and associates here in Chicago.  Just because I’m not in LA anymore (for the time being), that doesn’t mean I keep on trucking towards my little dreams.  That said, my super smart and talented friends and I got together and decided to move forward with producing an independent film.   We had a fundraiser at the House of Blues Chicago, as well as an online kickstarter campaign where we were able to raise all of the funds we need to produce our film.  The fundraiser was pretty damb dope!  We had drinks, mingled, and screened the teaser.

Let me tell you.  Standing in a room with a bunch of people who, for the first time, are watching something you created and having to stand there for their reactions?! Completely nerve-wracking.  The writer, director, producer, ALL of us were full of nerves.  But we got really good feedback and responses from the teaser.  Woot!  So, we look forward to going into production in January.

Please check out our website here:  http://www.fauspasfilm.com

Like our facebook here:  http://www.facebook.com/fauxpasfilm

Follow us on twitter here:  http://www.twitter.com/fauxpasfilm

AND check out the teaser!  Share it with your friends, coworkers, blog peeps, grandma, cousin Pete n’em… everybody!  Let me know what you think.

I’ll keep you posted on the progress as we move forward, too.  Obviously, this has been another time-consuming project I’ve had going on.

On top of that, I’m still contributing posts once/month over at Brownstone Magazine – an online magazine for teen girls of color.  Cha-mone and send your daughters, nieces, teen cousins, god-daughters and what not our way.  :)  http://www.brownstonemagazine.com.

Let’s see… what else…

I turned 30 last month!!!  *faints*  LAWD, y’all, where do de time go? It seems like I just turned 25 like yesterday and now I’m 30?  THIRTY?!  *faints again*

When I was younger, I really thought 30 would be more momentous.  Like, I would have everything figured out, be on track to being some kind of big shot making all sorts of money somewhere.  Not exactly.

I’m still finding my stride in life and trying different things.  I’m actually okay with that.  I feel like I’m coming into my own more now than ever before.  So, I actually look forward to what my 30′s will have to offer.  Bring it on, b*tches.

In another unexpected turn of events, I’m crossing my fingers that I get a new iPod for Christmas this year.  Remember this post from last year?  I wrote a very kind letter to Santa requesting a new iPod.  Well… Santa didn’t come through.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt, as I know he’s prolly short-staffed with the economy being what it is.  Elf layoffs and what not.

But, I don’t think Santa forgot about me, tho!  I found out from Mashable.com that there was a recall on my generation of iPod nano’s.  That’s right!  A recall.  Apple is being ambiguous as to whether or not they’ll just fix the problem and send back my old nano, or if I’ll get a new one.  Mashable predicts we’ll be getting new ones, though.  I sent my old one in.  Here’s hoping…

Good ol’ Santa!  Coming through in the clutch!  I like your style, St. Nick.

What else…

My best friend got married & is having a baby. *tear*

One of my favorite coworkers is leaving. *tear*

I’m currently on a 2-week staycation.  *fist pump*

Still working.

Still doing church stuff.

Still doing sorority stuff.

Spending time with boyfriend dude and trying to maintain some kind of social calendar.

So, as you can see, my plate is full… my cup runneth over… my ass is busy.

I know it’s no excuse for abandoning my blog, but something had to fall by the wayside… *shrugs*  I’m still on twitter though!  So easy to update in 140 characters or less vs. a full blog. LOL!

I’ll be back soon, though.  I have a bunch of rants built up from the last few months that need to see the light of day on this here blog.

Don’t forget to check out the teaser!

What’s beenup with y’all?  Catch me up!

Shout out to my coworker EJ for this little gem from her adventures in dating.  It inspired the forthcoming rant.

Picture it.

You go on a first date and it’s kind of… “meh.”  So, you decide to give it another go.  Maybe you both had first-date jitters.

So, you go on a second date and, once again, it’s kind of *sticks hand out* *wiggles it a little*.

But the guy asks you out again.

“Okay,” you tell yourself. “The dates haven’t been great, but they weren’t turrible either.  Maybe the third time will be a charm.  Let’s give it one more try.”

So you do.

But there’s no connection.  No chemistry.  No dice.

So, you resolve that it’s simply not a match.

The guy asks you out again & you tell him that you don’t think it’s working.  The dates have have been lackluster [for both parties], so you think it best to just be friends and not waste one another’s time.

The guy doesn’t want to hear that.

The guy takes it personally.  Almost as if he chose to ignore the mediocre-ness of your 3 dates.

So, the guy takes to ranting to you via text message.

“I’m a good black man and you black women say you want a good black man, but when you get one, you don’t know what to do with him.”

“Black women don’t know what they want.”

“Black women this.”

“Black women that.”

Dude. O_o

WTF?

His response was entirely too extra.  [Issues, much?]  Sweet Jesus, I hate when folks feel the need to exclaim, “I’m a good black (wo)man!”  If you feel the need to go around broadcasting that to anyone who will listen?  You’re doing too much.  TOO MUCH.  If you’re so good, it will show.  Period.  To quote Zora Neale Hurston, “Those that don’t got it, can’t show it.  Those that got it, can’t hide it.”

Amen sister.

Secondly, why can’t you just call it what it was: a bad date.  Not every date is going to be great.  Not every date will lead to a woman falling in love with you.  Some of them shits just plain don’t work out.  You just have to count your losses and keep it moving until you find one that does.  That’s, essentially, what dating is!

Thirdly, and most annoyingly, why dude gotta get all “anti-black woman” because of 3 lukewarm, awkward, I-coulda-stayed-home-and-given-myself-a-pedicure dates?  Why dude [and a lot of black men, for that matter] gotta blame an entire group of people because his own singular personal individual dating history sucks.

Who’s the common denominator in that equation? O_O

Black women on the whole aren’t confused crazy desperate heffas.  Hell, some of ‘em don’t even want a black man, so take the chip off your “I’m a good black man” shoulder.  Nobody goes off on all latina/asian/white women if and when they go on mediocre dates with either of them.  Don’t pull that shit with us.

Please accept this gift-wrapped folding chair and have a seat.

EJ replied one last time to that guy wishing him well.  [She's so nice.]  At least his crazy surfaced when it did.  She dodged a bullet.

This tumbleweed gif actually rolls on my dashboard, but notsomuch when I publish. Pfft.

So sorry to have left you guys hanging.

I gotta say, life has been non.stop. lately.  Between work/after-work work obligations, extracurricular activities/meetings, church obligations, trying to keep up with writing, and spending time with boyfriend dude, I’ve left the blog hanging.  Though I’ve been meaning to write for weeks now.

Excuses, excuses, I know.  But, it’s the truth.

I’m actually home sick today, which is why I have a second to regroup myself.  I can’t tell you the last time I’ve slept in.  I’m used to being on the go a lot, but, erruh, I’m not as young as I used to be.  lol!  I think my body decided to proverbially tap me on the shoulder like, “Excuse you.  We’re not 21 anymore.  You might want to sit down somewhere.”

So, I’m forcibly sitting my arse down for some R&R, gulping Airborne, Dayquil, orange juice, and green tea trying to recover.

In other news, the other blog I write for, Brownstone, has now launched its magazine.  It’s for teen girls of color, so send ‘em our way: http://brownstonemagazine.com.

Oh, and I restarted my tumblr, since I opened it in January 2010 & just left it hanging ’cause I didn’t get it.  It’s just a hodgepodge of stuff I like or find funny or interesting or what have you.  http://brownngirl.tumblr.com.

I do plan to return soon.  I just wanted to update since I had a minute.  Hopefully I’ll have something more interesting / less sleep-inducing the next time I update.  O_O

Have a good weekend, y’all.

I look forward to when I’m not “the new one” anymore.

Aside from having to try to fit in & make new friends, etc., being the new kid on the block or the new kid in school or the new kid any-dang-where means you have to keep up while you’re learning all the rules, habits, and nuances that everybody else already knows.

Me being the new-ish one at my office, I’m experiencing all of that.  And I don’t know if you realize, but I hate not knowing what I’m doing.  I just want to know it all already so I can just do what I need to do.

But I don’t.

So, I have to keep up, getting done what needs to be done in a timely fashion, while still learning how to do what I need to do, as I annoy people with all my questions that probably seem pretty freakin’ basic to them.

I’m straddling the line between trying to be proactive, but not being too presumptuous.  For example, say I get an email from a client or something that says something along the lines of, “Brownngirl, we need you to send us the June TPS reports asap.”

Pretty straight forward.

Do I put up the yellow light and be like, “Yo, boss, is it okay for me to send this dude the June TPS reports?”  Because I’m still green and I want to make sure that’s okay.

Or do I not bother the boss with obvious-arsed questions when obviously the client needs the June TPS reports asap and they’re an important client that we don’t want to keep waiting.

But then I have this fear that the one time I do send this dude the June TPS reports I’ll get berated with something like, “You send that dude the June TPS reports?!  WE DON’T SEND THAT DUDE JUNE TPS REPORTS!  Obviously he meant to say July!  Everybody knows dude only get the JULY TPS reports!!!”

What about other nuances like, for example, say everybody knows that when the big boss walks in wearing a purple shirt, it means don’t. mess. with. her.  And here I come, skipping up to the big boss in her purple shirt practically singing “good morniiiing!”  And then I get the Meryl Streep / Devil Wears Prada treatment because she’s in her purple shirt so, clearly she’s not in the mood.

And then I get fired and I’m living in my car.

*sigh*

Who am I kidding.  We all know I’m not that bubbly.

But you see where I’m going.

I just wanna know already.  I’m ready for every little nuance and responsibility to become second nature to me.

I guess that’s probably my age-old issue of being to focused on where I’m trying to go and not enjoying the trip enough.  And, knowing me, if I had everything down to a science already, I’d probably be bored.  So, maybe this whole post is moot.

Never mind.

This art show by Hebru Brantley is kicking off this Friday night & it’s sounding like it’s going to be a whole lotta awesome.  All the cool kids will be there, so, naturally, I’m going.

You should come, too.  Unless you’re a *makes an air-square with my fingers*

[More info here]

This is a whole new world for him.

A few moments ago, Papa Brownngirl logs into his email & sees he’s got some new facebook friend requests.  Three of them from people he knew, and one he didn’t.  Here’s how that went.

So, what have we learned?

1.  ”Too Juicy” is a dumb-azzed thing to call yourself for any reason.  Don’t do that.

2.  If you insist on calling yourself “Too Juicy” on any social media medium, don’t befriend my father.  It pisses him off.

I leave my blog deserted for dang near two weeks & ain’t nobody even checked on me?  Left a comment of concern?  Shot me an email demanding I update?  Umm hmm.

I see how it is.  It’s cool.  I’m a big girl.  My feelings are really aren’t hurt.

Antyway, how are things?  What’s new?  What’s good?  I have so many random stories of things that have happened to and/or around me from the past couple of weeks, but I’ve not had the time to write about it.

Or maybe I just suck at time management.

Something like that.

Anywho, riding the CTA is creating a new Brownngirl.  And it’s not pretty.  I see myself getting more pushy, irritated, and rude by the day.  It’s become a defense mechanism.  People are SOOO rude.

I’ve totally given up on any kind of chivalry from men sitting comfortably in their seats as women or older folk stand up getting flung back and forth by train or bus movement.  Nah.  They just sit there reading the paper like, what.

So, fine.

Standing on the platform waiting to get on, mofos will CUT YOU ALL THE WAY OFF to board the train before you do.  No regard.

Y’all.

This girl cut me off so hard one time I was thisclose to yanking her ponytail back.

Then, mofos will practically challenge you to a foot race to scoop up a seat if there are only one or two available.  No courtesy.  No “oh you saw it first / you’re a lady / you’re carrying a lot of stuff, so you take the seat.”  Nawl.  None of that.  They’ll practically swoop in and sit under your butt to hijack your seat while you’re mid-squat.

Dude.

Then folks will sit on the outside seat leaving the other one open on a crowded azzed train or buss and huff & puff when you ask them to scoot over or move so you can sit.  [I like to do that on purpose. lol!]  Put that damb extra-medium bag, taking up all that space, on your damb lap and let somebody else sit down!  Hell.

People have become so rude that I feel I have to be the same way sometimes just to compete!  There’s a specific group of people that tend to be the most repeat offenders.  It’s like there’s this attitude of entitlement or something and I have frequent run-ins with these folks who will step all over you to get on/off/a seat on a train.  [I would say who, but it'd make me sound like I don't like white women.  Which isn't true, so I'll leave it be.  (However that bag-on-the-open-seat habit is colorblind.  That goes across the board.)]

One thing that makes me smile though is the CTA booth worker guy at the train stop I take on my way home.  This guy is definitely a “Chatty Kathy” who likes to take one too many hugs since taking a liking to me.  I now know that I can’t just swipe my card & head on down to the platform.  Nah.  We’re going to talk for at least a strong three minutes.  Maybe even four.

But, anyway.

Get this… this guy… at my CTA stop… moonlights on the weekends as a Michael Jackson impersonator.

I’m not even joking.

When he first handed me that flyer, I almost died laughing.  In fact, I think I did die.  I’m my own reincarnate at this point.

What are the chances?  Especially seeing as how I’m a HUGE MJ fan.  Now every Monday I get a recap of how his show the previous weekend went.  He’s invited me to come a few times.  He actually told me he was going to make me a DVD. (Lawd, I can’t.)

Obviously he takes his job seriously.  His eyebrows are nicely arched.  He’s got 90′s Michael swag happening with that one curl hanging from his forehead on purpose (Think: The BAD album cover).  I can’t tell if he has an S-curl or a Wave Nouveau or what.  And it doesn’t even matter.

My CTA booth operator worker guy is a Michael Jackson impersonator.  I feel like this was somehow orchestrated by a higher power.

Last tidbit.

I was heading home one day and after our 3-4 minute chat he says, “Well, I won’t keep you, I know you gotta… go.”

Y’all.

When he said “…go,” he punctuated the “go” by doing this move, with Michael precision, pointing in the direction of the train platform:

*flatlines*